Saturday, October 17, 2015

Paralyzed By Fear

In the past four months I've written under three thousand words. Every single one of those 2,789 words were a struggle. Like I had to make an incision in my skin, break apart a piece of my bone, and write every word by hand in my very own blood.

And they suck.

These measly 2,789 words that I struggled so hard for. I already know that I probably will get rid of at least 2,000 of them. It took me so long and it was so hard to get this small amount and they will end up disappearing by the delete key.

I feel as if a part of me is missing. This part of me that made me a writer. This part of me that could write. This part of me that could sit down and let the stories that were bouncing around in my head flourish on a computer screen. This part of me that could believe in myself enough to believe that I could do this.

Now all I have are the stories bouncing around, the voices in my head, and a paralyzing fear.

A fear that won't allow me to write.

And I'm not sure if I completely understand it. So, I decide to write it down. Try to push it out, get it out, shove it out, so that I can do what I love to do. So, I can do what I need to do. Because the more I stay away, the harder it gets, the worse I feel about myself.

It all compounds upon itself. These feelings of self doubt. These feelings of worthlessness. These feelings of not belonging, of not really being a writer. Of not being good enough. Of never succeeding. Of never getting an agent or never getting traditionally published. Of always being suck right where I am and where I've always been.

Am I where I always have been?

In the just over 4 years I've been writing I've written: three full books, two collaborations, one short story, have three partial books, and have too many ideas in my head to ever stop. I have self published a book with a friend, which has done better than I ever expected it to and my short story is in an anthology for charity.

Four years ago I only had an idea in my head that I had to write down because there was no other option.

So where do I go from here?

I can quit. I can give up writing all together. Tuck away my stories and hide away my notebooks full of ideas. And loose that integral piece of me forever

Or I can fight.

I can cut open a vein, poor some blood into a bowel, grab my bone quill and write one word a day if I have to.

I can remember why I'm doing this and I started doing this ... for the stories. It didn't matter if it sucked or not, I just wanted to get the story out. Out of my head and on the screen. I wanted the story to live for someone to read it and love it as much as I did. I wanted to set my characters free.

And I still do.

So, I will stop worrying about how many words I write. I will stop worrying about how good it is. I will stop worrying if it will ever get published and get back to basics.

And remember I love it.



Rachel Schieffelbein said...

"Like I had to make an incision in my skin, break apart a piece of my bone, and write every word by hand in my very own blood."

Just the artistry of this sentence proves that you are a writer. :) It's what you do. It's what you've done and what you will do. You will push through this tough time, find your stride and keep going.

Suzi said...

Rachel there stole my thunder. I was going to say the same exact thing.

You are talented, and you have more amazing stories to write, so I'm glad that you're not giving. Do what it takes to get that story out, and you'll get over this little bump.

Theresa said...

I feel like you're in my head. I've been feeling like this a lot lately. All the self doubt is taking away the fun of what I love. I have to force myself to write when I used to look forward to it. I'm still writing, even if it's like pulling teeth, but I just want to love it like I once did. I keep waiting and hoping because I know it has to come back eventually. Going back to the basics sounds like a great plan! I'll go back with you :)

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

I've been there. In between books two and three and then again between three and four. You just need to refresh your spirit. Go do something new, go see something different, listen to new music or watch a new movie. Then don't stress what you are writing but just write for fun.
It will come back.

Misha Gerrick said...

Remembering our love for writing is the important thing to keep going. I know from personal experience that these fears and insecurities usually pop up when we're putting the publishing side before the writing. So now I'm trying to get into the habit of focusing on my love of writing first and all the other stuff second.

If I don't do that, all the setbacks I've had over the past two years would have made me stop.

Unknown said...

As a writer of the sassy, savvy sarchasm we all go through in this lifelong demise, I as well as you gotta lotta angst; however, the synonymous metaphors which shall creep stealthily across thy brain like the vivid, brazen dawn are the cohesion which brings U.S. together, girl...

So, see if you cannot subliminally 'read-between-the-lines' or VERBUM SAT SAPIENTI (Latin: words to the wise): here's summore symbiotically-explosive-coolness done in sardonic satires when we passed-away:

"Those who are wise will shine as brightly as the expanse of the Heavens, and those who have instructed many in uprightousness, as bright as stars for all eternity"
-Daniel 12:3

Here's what the prolific, exquisite GODy sed: 'the more you shall honor Me, the more I shall bless you'
-the Infant Jesus of Prague.

Go git'm, girl. You're incredible.
See you Upstairs...
I won't be joining'm in da nasty Abyss


Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Unknown said...

Hmmm... see ya kept it. Wonder why. Maaaybe cuzz it speaks Truth in a world fulla lies ...??? Here's summore Truth:

If 'freedom lies in being bold' (Robert Frost), doesn't pushing-the-envelope also result in the Elysian Fields of Utopia? If I'm the sower, we plant the Seed; if I'm an artist, we RITE the symphonies heard Upstairs ☆IF☆ we accept His lead withe orchestra...

Wanna find-out the fax, Jak, in a wurld fulla the 'power of cowards'? Wanna wiseabove to help a 'Plethora Of Wurdz' [POW!] which are look'n for a new home in thy novelty?? Yay!

Q: But [gulp] can anyone tell me the difference between K2/IQ? A: Nthn. In Heaven, we gitt'm both for eternity HA! Need a few more thots, ideers, wild wurdz (whoa, Nelly! easy, girl!) or ironclad iconoclasms?

VERBUM SAT SAPIENTI (Latin: words to [the] wise): As an ex-writer of the sassy, savvy, schizophenia we all go thro in this lifelong demise, I just wanna help U.S. git past the ping-pong-politixx, the whorizontal more!ass! we're in...

"This finite existence is only a test, son," God Almighty told me in my coma. "Far beyond thy earthly tempest is where you'll find tangible, corpulent eloquence". Lemme tella youse without d'New Joisey accent...

I actually saw Seventh-Heaven when we died: you couldn't GET!! any moe curly, party-hardy-endorphins, low-hanging-fruit of the Celestial Paradise, extravagantly-surplus-lush Upstairs (awww! baby kitties, too!!) when my o-so-beautifull, brilliant, bombastic girly passed-away due to those wry, sardonic satires...

"Those who are wise will shine as brightly as the expanse of the Heavens, and those who have instructed many in uprightousness as bright as stars for all eternity" -Daniel 12:3, NJB

Here's also what the prolific, exquisite GODy sed: 'the more you shall honor Me, the more I shall bless you' -the Infant Jesus of Prague.

Go gitt'm, girly. You're incredible. You're indelible. Cya Upstairs. I won't be joining'm in the nasty Abyss where Isis prowls
Revelation 14:13
PS Need summore unique, uncivilized, useless names?? Lemme gonna gitcha started, brudda:

Oak Woods, Franky Sparks, Athena Noble, Autumn Rose, Faith Bishop, Dolly Martin, Willow Rhodes, Cocoa Major, Roman Stone, Bullwark Burnhart, Magnus Wilde, Kardiak Arrest, Will Wright, Goldy Silvers, Penelope Summers, Sophie Sharp, Violet Snow, Lizzy Roach, BoxxaRoxx, Aunty Dotey, Romero Stark, Zacharia Neptoon, Mercurio Morrissey, Fritz & Felix Franz, Victor Payne, Isabella Silverstein, Mercedes Kennedy, Redd Rust, Phoenix Martini, Ivy Squire, Sauer Wolfe, Yankee Cooky, blessed b9... (or mixNmatch)

God blessa youse
-Fr. Sarducci, ol SNL

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