Saturday, September 24, 2011

In Memory

    Earlier this week was the twelve year anniversary of my mother's death. After fighting kidney disease for most of her life, she lost the battle.

    My mom was sick most of her life. She was born with a congenital obstruction that ended up destroying her kidneys. By the time she was fourteen she had her first kidney transplant. During her lifetime she would have a total of four transplants. When she got pregnant with me the doctors told her to abort me because she, I, or possibly even both of us would probably die. She wouldn't listen though, she dreamed of being a mother. Although I was born almost three months early, there were no problems. Growing up she was always sick. I remember times when she was in failure, hoping and praying for the call that would say that she was getting a new kidney. I remember nights praying that my mother would make it through the night. When I became a nurse it got worse. Suddenly, I supposedly had all the answers and made the decisions. All the years of being in chronic renal failure had taken a major toll on her body. The final time she went into rejection her heart couldn't handle being on hemodialysis anymore and gave out. She was the first person I ever did CPR on.

    Why am I writing a blog about what a horrible life she had? To tell her story. To say that her illness is  not what defined her as a person. To remember her. She was so much more than someone with a chronic illness. She was my mom and my friend. She instilled great morals and values in me. She was my cheerleader. She always believed in me. Teaching me to go after my dreams no matter what they were. To fight for things you believe in and to never give up. She also taught me one of the most lessons, one that I try to teach my children. Although you have many people in your life that love you and will do anything for you. The only person who will truly be there for you for your WHOLE life, is you. Other people may leave or die, but you will always be there. You have to love yourself.

    She was able to see me graduate college and her first two grandchildren born before she died. I like to think that she battled out until she thought for sure I'd be okay. We had a heart to heart before she died and she told me that she wasn't afraid to die. It makes me feel better to know that she wasn't scared. She had a very rough life. I know she is in a much better place now. A place with no pain or suffering.

    Not a day goes by that I don't miss her. I very selfishly wish she was still here with me. I know if she was here with me she would be so proud of me and all that I've accomplished. I also know that she'd be my number one champion for writing this book. So when I finish my book, it will be dedicated to her. In honor of all the unconditional love and support she always gave me.


My mom a year before she passed away.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Time Management Smanagement

    Raise your hand if your busy. Who isn't these days? Our society makes it seem like if you're not multitasking, you're not doing enough. With everything we put on our figurative plates it's amazing anything gets done.
    I have a time management problem. I don't have enough of it. Between being a wife, mother, nurse, student, writer, and blogger it's amazing I get anything done. Thus the fact that I haven't written a blog in a while. My goal when I started this was at least one a week. Failed. When I started writing my novel my goal was for one chapter a week. Failed. My house is sometimes messy and sometimes I take my kids to McDonald's for dinner because I don't feel like cooking. So what! It doesn't mean I'm a failure. I am doing the best I can.
    I think that we all strive to be this perfect ideal person. Do they exist? In who's definition of perfect? I have a really good friend of mine who does this. She is a wonderful friend, mother, and wife; but, nothing she does in her eyes is ever good enough. When in reality she just needs to cut herself a little slack.
   I have to remember that. When I am feeling bad because I didn't get my blog done, a chapter written, or my house is a little messy. Sometimes you just do the best you can.


If you have a great time management tip or something that has helped you, please share it with me in the comments! I'd love to hear from you.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

IWSG #1- My Insecurities

    This is my first blog for the Insecure Writer's Support Group. I'm very excited to be apart of this group. Thank you to Alex for starting it. What a wonderful idea. If you'd like to check out his website here is the link: http://alexjcavanaugh.blogspot.com/p/insecure-writers-support-group.html

   I think that whenever you try something new it takes a great deal of courage, especially if it's something that you really want to succeed in. Writing is this to me.  I wanted to be a writer so bad, I dreamt about it all the time. When people asked me "if you could be anything, what would you be?" I would always answer a writer. What does a writer need to do well... write and that's what I'm afraid of.
    Throughout my elementary into my middle school years we moved a lot. What difference does this make? To anyone who's ever moved to other schools, especially those out of state, you know that they all teach things at different times. Sometimes there were huge gaps in the things that I learned, therefore I suck at spelling and sentence structure. I try my hardest I really do, but I just plain suck at it. (Just ask my "editor" Kelly) (and I did go to college too)  What writer doesn't know how to write?
   I am afraid I won't be good enough. That people will look at my writing and say, "She doesn't even know how to write properly, how could she possibly write a book." The last two weeks I came into a rough patch with my WIP (work in progress to those who don't know, I didn't a week ago.) I stalled on a chapter and couldn't write. Then I started doubting my ability, thinking why did I think that I could possibly write a book. I wasn't a writer, I was a nurse. Where did I get off trying to pretend I was something I wasn't. I had to tell myself repeatedly that I could. The few people who have read my WIP also have been invaluable in their support and encouragement. Also, in the two weeks that I have been blogging and on twitter I have meet so many wonderful encouraging people.
    We all have self doubts and insecurities, I believe it's how we deal with them that says the most about us.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Going Through Writing Withdrawl

   I have barely written anything for the last two weeks. It's driving me crazy! All of my previous chapters have practically written themselves. They pretty much flowed out of my fingers into the computer; however, not this one. This chapter is kicking my butt, and therefore I have been procrastinating a bit. Okay, not a bit a lot. I am going though serious writing withdrawal. I feel like a part of me is missing.
   Ever since I started writing this book, it's been easy for me. It was as if someone was whispering the story in my ear, telling me what to write. I could easily sit down and write a chapter at a time. My only enemy was time, not having enough.
   Then I reach this chapter, my nemesis. It's not an emotional scene by any means. It, at surface level, isn't even an important one. It should be a super easy one to write. Until you look underneath, you see it's a strategical scene. The decisions I make for this next chapter will ultimately dictate the ending of the book. Maybe that's why I keep finding other reasons not to write. Or, maybe I am starting to doubt my abilities.
   Well, no longer! I will not be a slave to a chapter. I can always go back and rewrite. So tonight, I am pushing through. It will be written. Wish me luck.